What do the lonely do for Valentine’s Day?

So today is Valentine’s Day and sometimes ,let’s face it, this day can truly suck.  Even if you  enjoy being single (sometimes I certainly do)  getting through today can be a drag.  The whole “friends with benefits” thing doesn’t quite seem so damn beneficial today. (Probably because so far I haven’t even got a “Happy Valentine’s Day” text, (really your lazy ass can’t send a text??))

You go into to work and have to smile as co-workers get gifts and partners show up to take them out to lunch and dinner.  You sit there wondering what does the fat, ugly, dumb girl have that I don’t?   Now you notice that her partner is a girl but who gives a whooooooo at least her GIRLFRIEND is taking her out…. But don’t despair (cause that just causes wrinkles etc. then you’ll be the ugly girl or guy)… I have some ideas:

  1. Treat your self great today!!! Wear the cutest, sharpest outfit you can think of!! Today is your day make it good;
  2. Eat whatever the hell you want!! I say do chocolate if it’s your thang. (I’m makeing a chocolate nutella tart)…get some lobster.  Carry- out (obviously eating alone  at a nice restaurant on valentine’s day would be crazy and more of a statement than enjoyable so get the carry-out) and eat on the good plates tonight.  Light a candle and enjoy!!
  3. Do something you love; write a blog, recite a poem, do some stand-up comedy;  I suggest something that allows you to express yourself and perhaps how silly you truly believe Valentine’s Day is (or at least how trifling the person you’re dealing with his for not getting you something); As for me I’m doing some stand-up tonight….
  4. Go to a anti-valentine’s day party.  If you can stomach other singles looking down and out, then  check out one of these functions.  At a minimum they have decent drink specials. (Guys there will undoubtedly be lots of horny women at these things so for you a no-brainer…. cheap drinks & an easy way to get laid= win, win)
  5. If you can’t stomach the anti-v-day party rent a good horror flick, thriller or if you must a comedy… nothing makes you forget valentine’s day like a good murder mystery, serial killer or the random violence of Freddy Krueger; As for me I’m doing a “Breaking Bad” marathon (I might throw in an episode or to of Snapped)
  6. Take your but to bed.  It’s only one day not a season (thank god).  Tomorrow will be Feb. 15th and you can go and get some “benefits” from your “friend”…. 😉

Lesson Learned: YOU’RE NOT LONELY, YOU’RE FABULOUS!!! LOVE YOURSELF DAMMIT!! (or eat, drink, & go to bed whichever works)


A Cheeseburger that’s better than sex…. well almost….

After watching the Chicago based TV show “Check Please” I was able to find what I would call an orgasmic cheeseburger.  First let me explain, their are certain things in this world I simply LOVE and good food is one them.  Good food doesn’t have to be exotic or expensive some times simple can also be amazing.  Today I found a gem in Evanston, Illinois a hamburger joint called Edzo’s …. I drove 30 minutes each way to get there but it was worth every minute.


 A gourmet burger is kind of the new craze these days. However, what I love about a good burger is that with a little care and patience anyone can do it.  The added touches that a chef provides just manages to take them to the next level.  Ed (the  chef and owner of Edzo’s) manages to make a good burger,  GREAT!  Edzo’s grinds its own beef in house, this makes your burger fresh, juicy with an amazing beefy flavor. What  I would call LOVELY…..You also have the option of updgrading to beef from a particular farm. There’s something about knowing where my burger lived (and died obviously) that I just adore.

I didn’t get exotic this time I wanted to see what the staple Char burger had to offer.  So I ordered my get-over-that-idiot-happy-meal….

Char burger & Cheese fries!!

I ordered this burger cooked medium rare, topped with cheddar cheese, bacon, fried egg, grilled onions, lettuce, tomato and ketchup.  It was abosutely to die for (or perhaps  from?) I couldn’t eat it all since the burger starts with 8ounces of beef to begin with.  The fries were freshly cut, crispy and topped with Mertz cheddar cheese…just like I like em!! Sooooo bad yet Soooooo good!

I’m not a big Milkshake chic but the Milkshakes here are divine with some really interesting ingredients….I will be checking these out next time I head back there!

I had a blast….drowned my “still single blues” in a delightful pile of cheesefries….. Of course today I’m headed to the gym but again no regrets no excuses!!


Lesson Learned:  The perfect cheeseburger and cheesefries can fulfill almost every desire (at least while your eating them!!)


Are Men with Minatures Masculine?

I’ve grown up in the suburbs but since doing stand-up I’ve been exposed to men from all walks of life.  While I certainly find nice guys attractive guys that are to feminine can be a bit of a turn off.  Although I try to remain open-minded,  and not judge a book by its cover, sometimes it’s hard…. Sometimes as my mother says I can be as “shallow as a teaspoon”.  One of these inadvertent judgments often occurs when I find out what kind of pet a man owns… While I LOVE cats I have found that single men who live alone and have chosen to own a cat while not exactly feminine, they do tend to be a bit shall we say… “different”.

Lately though what I have found almost shocking is meeting guys you own miniature dogs… like Chihuahuas, Pomeranians or a pugs even.  I’ve actually seen men dressed like thugs walking these cute little creatures in what I would consider somewhat dicey neighborhoods.  While I certainly don’t want to take away from a man’s street credibility if you’re walking a full-grown adult dog (i.e. not a puppy, cause guys walking puppies are ALWAYS SEXY) that could fit in a purse, the implication is that you just forgot to carry your purse that day.  I’m trying hard not to be so shallow folks so please don’t unsubscribe….. But really, its hard not to talk shoes with man walking a Pomeranian…. I am working on it, but hey even if you’re wearing baggy jeans, cornrows, tattoos & chains….. all I see is this:

Now this seems like a match!!

Perhaps I just haven’t met the right go to prove this theory wrong?   Guess I need a man to show me the error in my discrimination? I’m certainly working hard to keep an open mind here but truthfully still seems a little suspect to me….

Lesson Learned:  Uh Yeah!! Size matters.

Hip Hop Beefs…. my guilty pleasure

I have several guilty pleasures i.e. things that provide me great entertainment  despite their lack of intelligent content.   Hip Hop beefs are one of these pleasures.  Let me first state that I love these beefs so long as there is no violence involved.   I absolutely love Tupac, and am also a fan of Biggie so I’m always saddened when Hip Hop beefs go to far…. Otherwise they are HILARIOUS!

What I find most fascinating and ludicrous (haven’t heard from him in a minute perhaps he’s somewhere dreaming up a beef?)  is the things these artists choose to beef about….. at the end of the day the argument really boils down to:

Rapper 1:  “I make more money than YOU!”

Rapper 2: “NOOOOOOO I make more money than YOU”

Really? I mean what ever happened to sleeping with the same chic or guy? Perhaps stealing a contract, or getting someone kicked out of Grammy’s? A backstage fight at the BET Awards even? But these days the things Rappers choose  to “beef” about seems pretty LAME (in my humble opinion & Jay-Z voice) . I sometimes feel there’s some dark room where they meet and decide to beef just to improve record sales or get exposure.  At the end of the meeting they hug and then vow to always act like enemies in public…

All that being said, I STILL LOVE a good rap beef, even it stems from nonsense, boredom or writer’s block some times the result is really good music or perhaps a really funny video.  Here are a few of my current Favs, since I’m a woman, ladies first:

1. Lil Kim v.   Nicki  Minaj – I think they’re beefing because Nicki sometimes wears outfits & wigs similar to the Queen B? ( I know it sounds silly but wouldn’t you be mad if the new popular girl was wearing your old outfits? ok guess I can’t save the silliness on this one ) :

Things first got started (I think) with Lil Kim:

Definitely Old School… but hey I love me some Lil Kim. Nicki’s reply took a minute but here it is:

I don’t know what is more stupid this video or the fact that I find it kinda funny… So on to the next one,  being from Chicago I have to include

2. Common v.Drake – On Common’s new album he disses Drake in his song “Sweet”.

The diss is “subliminal” …calling Drake a bitch cause he sings (but he’s such a sexy singer though???)

So Drake responds on Rick Ross’s Mixtape on the song “Stay Schemin”:

Didn’t I say he was  a sexy singer? (with his mulatto ass)…ok the Panther in me is coming out. LOL   I actually like this song, and Drake kills it.  So to reply Common hit back with this:

WOW!!!! I LOVE THEM BOTH!!! I love Common, but hey I also fuck with Canada Dry…..Hmmmm what is the beef about again? All the nerdy lawyer in me can ask is does Rick Ross have the publishing rights to both versions???????? #TEAMROZAY baby, all day!!!!

Ok to close off my Hip Hop beef expose is  Drake’s BFF Lil Wayne…

3.  Jay-Z vs. Lil Wayne – This beef was actually the basis for this entry, basically they are fighting over who has the most money…during a recession (this is important!!)

The fight begins on the Jay-z  & Kanye cut Ham:

I like it…. don’t love it….something about the beat doesn’t quite grab me. You have to respect Jay-Z’s old ass and I have nothing but Chi-town luv for Kanye.

Lil Wayne responded with the song “It’s Good” on Tha Carter IV album:

I hate to admit it but I love it!! Now I don’t get the reference to potato salad at the end but otherwise I think the jail time did Weezzy a bit of good…. Can I say I LOVE the Drake & Lil Wayne Bromance!! They are BFFs  4EVA!!

I can’t wait to see what 2012 will bring in the way of Hip Hop beef, I mean there has to be someone out there that Luda can beef with right??

Lesson learned: Good Artist + Good Beef = Good Music!!!  IT’S 2012 BRING IT ON!!

The Walk of Shame…. not always so bad…

So in an effort to get over the debacle of my relationship with “Crazy Bruce”.  I decided to have some fun this weekend. I mean truly what better way to get over a loser than sleeping with another loser? OK, OK, just a little joke here…. In all honesty, I didn’t think Crazy Bruce was really all that angry until he deleted & blocked me on Facebook, I mean DAMN, we can’t even be cyber friends?  So the past few days I’ve been feeling a little down & out but to shake the doldrums I decided to go out this weekend. 

So a friend of mine was in town and invited me out to a comedy show.  The show was OK but it was nice to get my laugh on. What happened next was a bit unexpected, the bartender asked me out!  I was a bit nervous, because he wasn’t black (mexican actually) but on a whim I decided to try it.  I had a blast!! It was really nice to be out with someone who held the door, paid for drinks & called me beautiful!! Now that’s how you get out of the doldrums! So of course all this positivity had me in the mood for a little action so I ended the evening with an old friend (male in case you were wondering) who was in town for the weekend.  So the next morning, we both slept late so we ended up leaving the hotel at the same time…. This was actually kind of nice.  I usually dread that morning walk back to my car, wearing the clothes from the previous night….The walk of shame can be SOOOOOO LONG! This time  though it was different, leaving at the same time made it seem more like a couple checking-out as opposed to a “hoe” slinking out in the morning! Gotta admit it was pretty nice, we hugged and he went to his car & I went to mine.  I know I shouldn’t care what random people at a hotel or on the street think of my rumpled clothing and hair, but hey it still makes me feel weird, and that feeling sticks until I drive away and can kind of add a bad color to the entire experience. Yuck!! Didn’t know that something so small as walking with a friend could make the difference.

Did I mention the hotel was in Paris? Just kidding.... it was South Holland, but you get the point... LOL

Lesson learned: Don’t take that walk of shame alone!! It’s  always better with a friend…. 😉

Incoming text from…… Crazy Bruce

OMG….I had a committed a  major cell phone faux pas which cost me my last boyfriend…well my last fuckbuddy…I  was “seeing”/”dating”  ok sleeping with a guy named Bruce.  I actually really liked this knucklehead. However he had the irritating habit that some men have of going completely crazy usually about once a month.  This insanity would only last a day or two but it was pretty bad he would snap off over minutia.  I would usually get upset and delete him from my cell phone only to add him back the next day.   Unfortunately I have the bad habit of giving people descriptive names in my cell  phone and logically he got the name “Crazy Bruce”.  The bad part is that I’m also lazy I made that change several months ago and simply forgot to change it back.  He spent the night the other day and reached for my phone to find out the time, before I could stop him.  At the bottom of my screen had my last incoming text message which was from him “Crazy Bruce”.  Wow was he mad, I was almost flattered that he cared that much (clearly my name must be crazy Amber in someone’s phone) but I really didn’t have any rational excuse and although I apologized this seems to have changed everything.  It really saddens me but I have certainly learned my lesson!!   Always have your cell phone locked!! I mean really what if “Little Dick Larry” or “To quick Trevor” had grabbed it…how embarassing!!

Panther or Pedophile?

I am someone who has since high school thought that age is nothing but a number. Yes I am still a fan of Aaliyah (RIP)….So I have dated both younger, same age and older guys…and sadly have found some idiots in all areas so I pass no judgments and make every effort to carry no baggage…But I had a weird experience the other day which challenged my entire outlook.  I gave a ride to a FINE 19-year-old college football player and of course I thought….Could you do this?  I mean upon ID verification there would be no jail time (at least in the State of Illinois) and he was amazingly attractive with a tattoo to add that bad boy edge.  Then he started talking….wow… what a downer.  I’m not sure if it was the discussion about prom or his Mom but all my dirty thoughts died  a pretty quick and yes painful death.  I tried to focus on is face and body and imagine his words as the “wah, wah, wah” of peanuts Charlie Brown fame. But it wasn’t working!! I could still hear him and process what he was saying!! I thought perhaps if he never spoke we could have a purely sexual relationship… But the idea of duct tape across his mouth during sex seemed to be a bit further than even my fantasies will go.  I thought after a few drinks maybe this diatribe about lockers & school books would become funny if not interesting…. but wait, he is too young to drink, so I would be in the bar alone while he waited in MY car.   Uh no that’s not an option kids these days steal entirely too much…. So at last I dropped him off at his Mom’s…. a little disappointed that I wasn’t about to have my youngest fling ever…Perhaps he’ll be a bit more interesting at 21? (well at least we can share a drink)…

Whew!! This Panther (single black female interested in dating/sexing younger guys) is back on the prowl….no criminal charges for me!!

Which one are you???